When You Write, Keep It Tight!

I was going to continue with some of the more subtle types of rhyme infractions today, but I got a call from my editor at Putnam last week and thought I would  bring you a crime of rhyme straight from the trenches

My editor was working with the illustrator for GOLDI ROCKS AND THE THREE BEARS  when she realized there was a bit of a pacing problem in the middle of the manuscript.

I basically took two stanzas to say what could have been said in one.

"This music's so catchy," said Goldi.
Her toes tapped in time to the song.

She grew a bit tired,
but still felt inspired.
"I'd love to try playing along!"

She looked all the instruments over,
then quickly put each to the test.
The guitar was too twangy.
The cymbals too clangy.
The keyboards were clearly the best.

I could see right away that not only was the first stanza pretty unnecessary, but it was also hard to illustrate.  Nothing really happens!  

In my first attempt to combine, I  went for the obvious... keeping the rhyme in tact.

This music's so catchy," said Goldi.
"I'd love to try playing along"
The guitar was too twangy.
The cymbals too clangy
The keyboards-- ideal for the song!

But I knew it could be better.  My next try got in a little added word play.

"This music's so catchy," thought Goldi.

"I'll jam right along with the band."

The guitar was too twangy

The cymbals too clangy

The piano was perfectly grand.

TIPS:    Cut the glut!  

             Ask yourself-  Am I giving the illustrator enough to work with in every stanza?

             Revise!  Revise!  Revise!